Lonely

by Naajiyya Miller

Hello.  My name is Naajyya (NAA-GEE-UH) Miller. I have 2 brothers with autism.  

Kibby (age 9) is the one I often think about in questions marks and exclamations.  Questions like: Does he know what he's doing?  Is he laughing at me or just laughing?  What the heck is he thinking!?

Then I say to myself:  Of course!  He is just another normal annoying younger brother!

Then there is Shukiy (age 7) who is the one that I play with the most.  Sometimes we're like twins.  Sometimes we're complete opposites.

Last night a cute little calico kitten got separated from her mother.  She cried all night out in the pouring rain and violet flashes of thunder and lightning.  My heart wrenched and all my sorrow was for that kitten.  Then guilt struck me.  How come I don't feel this way when my brothers cry?  Especially Kibby.  Our brother/sister relationship died after he was diagnosed.  I somehow grew to dislike him sometimes.  He grew to dislike me that way too.  My parents would probably think I was crazy for thinking that, but I know.  When me and Kibby lock eyes you will see love because we are related and we are "bro" and "sis".  But you won't see all that mushy stuff.  The looking up to and respecting each other.  "Nada!" "No comprenda!"  The kitten continued to cry and I continued to feel guilty.  Guilt brought other things to my mind.

For instance, how I cover up being lonely.  Money and toys can never fully recover my loss of attention.  Yes, this may sound babyish, but no matter how hard I try, I have 50%, the rest of the world has 100%.  I would rather have been an only child.  So I would have to suffer the loss.  It's always been that way to me, and it always will be.  I'm lonely in more than one way.  Emotionally, physically...spiritually even -- losing 2 siblings makes me loney.

Naajiyya is 11 going on 12 years old.  She is a soon to be 7th grade A-B Honor student who attends Dunnellon Middle School.  Her brothers attend Maplewood Elementary.  Naajiyya moved to Ocala from Queens, New York, two years ago with her mom and dad and baby brothers.

"For Sibs Only" 

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