Life As We Know It...

It's 2:30 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon and I am trying to figure out what to do next.  Should I put another load of laundry in, take the vacuum out or organize my daughter's messy closet?  All I can do is just sit here at my computer because I am so overwhelmed.  I have to explain how I feel inside.  I hear noises around me, the dryer, the dog barking--waiting anxiously to come in, then there are Paulie and Kara making a racket in their rooms.  I know that any minute I will be asked to do something for them.  So, in my mind I keep telling myself to hurry up and type what I feel so I can share this with moms out there to let them know that they are not alone.

I have a 7 1/2 year old son named Paulie.  I guess I am kind of like him.  He has been diagnosed with Asberger's Syndrome (AS).  My research has taught me that AS is a condition that causes him to have a hard time with his sensory system and social interaction as well as obsession-like behaviors.  I have learned first-hand that over-stimulation can drive him absolutely nuts!  When there is just too much going on around him, he either has screaming outbursts or throws something to get attention.  I can remember taking him to the circus when he was about 5 years old.  Oh boy, what a mistake that was.  Everybody started clapping and laughing and he stood up and shouted, "What is wrong with you people...are you nuts or something?!"  I quickly took my hands to cover his ears, and hugging him really tight, told him it was okay.  There are so many other embarrassing times I can remember.  Just pulling up to say Burger King or McDonald's drive-in window and Paulie shouting, "What is the matter with her...why is she staring at me like that?!"  He could not handle people looking at him, something that would only cause a "typical" child to smile back.

Then there were the times I had to pick him up from school.  I cannot begin to tell you how many times there were, when he just could not keep his hands to himself.  I was devastated, having no idea what was going on with him.  If that were not enough, he not only suffered from allergies, and sensory integration disorder (causing his nervous system to be affected by certain noises, touch and/or smell) but he had become highly frustrated and was unable to handle his emotions.  I can recall receiving a call from the principal on the first day of Kindergarten asking me whether we had any guns in the closet.  Paulie apparently was frustrated and he lashed out by saying that he wanted to take a gun and shoot everybody.  I found myself having to explain to the school that he has a toy gun in his closet from Toys R Us.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I first noticed him being different when he obsessed over vacuum cleaners at age 1 1/2 years old.  I could not go into a department store without him running over to the vacuums hugging and kissing them.  I just had to make him into a vacuum cleaner on his 3rd Halloween.  Boy, was he adorable!

While I have learned that AS children have difficulty with expressing themselves, it doesn't make it any easier to cope when Paulie acts out because of it.  He has been known to use some very "ugly" words when he is lashing out to get attention...

Uh-oh, have to stop writing for a sec. Paulie is having a "meltdown"...

Okay. I'm back.

Well, he is very upset because the Jesse doll hat he just got for Christmas is not staying on right.  Now I have to keep calm and Lord knows it is hard, because all I keep thinking about is making the situation right.  Everything has to be "just right" for Paulie and since I don't always know what "just right" for him is, chances are that it will not happen. It's at times like these that my body starts to tense up and I too sometimes can have a "melt down".  Now, granted I have been taught from the psychologist for the last three years to stay calm, take deep breaths and help Paulie work through a situation, but I must say dear GOD it is so hard!  I do believe it is harder for me since I truly believe I have Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD).

I have found ways in the last 6 months to help myself.  I started exercising and eating better.  Since then, I find myself being able to cope with situations a little bit better.  Though like Paulie or anyone else for that matter, there are your good days and your bad days.  Today happens to be a bad day.  I have not exercised yet and feel very frustrated that I can't.  I have hopes of escaping when my husband walks in the door.  (I must say it is extremely hard for me to finish this because I have had so many interruptions it's not funny!)

Well, the reason I sat down to write this is because putting my thoughts down is giving me some peace of mind.  I just came back from an Autism Conference and discovered that there are so many moms out there that are going through these tough situations with their children.  I realize that I am not alone.  So maybe those of you out there that have discovered PHPF (Parents Helping Parents of Florida) can read this and relate to what I have shared.

He loves to act like the Incredible Hulk.  So, for Halloween, I covered his body with green, sprayed his hair green and ripped his shorts.  He walked and grunted just like him.  People were amazed at how realistic looking he was.  

As for Paulie, they say he'll be okay.  His future is promising.  My job as his mom is to do the very best I can to help him realize reality.  He has to understand we can't always have what we want when we want and that life has its challenges, but with my support as well as his teachers' we can gear him in the right direction.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Kerry Ann Graber

"A Dedicated Mom"

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